Hundreds of crowds. Thousands of faces.
After twenty years of dancing, it would be literally impossible to estimate the amount of audience members through my countless dance performances. Beginning in my "baby ballerina" days, to life as a high school drill team member, and on to my college dance career at both Dixie State and Utah Valley University, I have been exposed to hundreds of thousands of people.
Competing at nationals in Daytona Beach, Florida, with the nationally-ranked UVU college dance team gave me new perspective on the meaning of experiencing an "adrenaline rush"…. Eighty-something degrees with the sun in your eyes, sweating in a long-sleeved black bodysuit, trying to remember everything that has been drilled into your head; all while performing in front of a thousand cheering fans, hundreds of competitors backstage, hopeful coaches and family members, glaring judges, and not mention, the television cameras…Talk to me about performing under pressure.
Scary, much? You get used to it.
Or, so I thought….
It has been said that those who can't do, teach.
I have taught at Dance Central in Springville for two years now. Through teaching, I have strived to maintain the dance technique I have gained over the past twenty years. I am not nearly as flexible, strong, or skilled as I once was, but I consider myself decent. All in all, the little dancers think I'm pretty cool, and that's all that matters, right?
This past week, I had the chance to perform a solo at my studio's recital. I thought it would be a fun opportunity for the young dancers to see how passionate I am for what we do. I began choreographing the dance in November, and finally finished it just days before the performance. I was pretty confident, and I figured that the young dancers and hundreds of strangers in the audience wouldn't know whether I was actually good or not…haha. Then, I did a brave thing. I invited people. People whose opinions I really care about. People that have heard me talk all about dance, but have never seen me in action. For years I had talked the talk, but now it was time to walk the walk...
Just before the recital began, the nerves came. I thought that performing in front of faceless crowds hundreds of times in the past had conditioned the nerves right out of me… No, not a chance.
After wishing "good luck" to my dancers, I stepped between the curtains and said a secret prayer backstage. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Then, I walked out to my spot on the stage.
I hung in my bent-over pose for what felt like an eternity in the darkness… Just when I started to shake with anticipation, the music finally started. And off I went. I heard my name a couple times, cheering, and a few gasps during an arial. The music, the lighting, the moment; it was as magical as I had remembered it. And before I could even catch my breath, it ended, and I was walking off stage.
This performance was a huge moment of self-realization. I realized that fear never truly disappears. But by facing it head-on, I believe that we learn how to deal with our fears in ways that seem to diminish their influence on us. We do not overcome our fears by forgetting about them, but by facing them over and over again throughout life. We can never be fearless. Initially, we can't choose to not be afraid of something. But by "practicing" the fear, we gain power, and its effect on us seems to fade.
To be quite honest, I felt like I slacked this week. I did not plan on this dance performance being my fear of the week…or even being a fear on my list at all. But looking back, the intense nerves I felt before I walked on stage could not be beat.
There is nothing better than witnessing the moment of transformation as my dancers experience the magic of performing. I feel that this is the greatest reward of my twenty years of dance training. I feel so lucky to have been placed in this position, where I can help empower these girls to overcome their fears -- whether it's on stage or in life. I love my job.
After twenty years of dancing, it would be literally impossible to estimate the amount of audience members through my countless dance performances. Beginning in my "baby ballerina" days, to life as a high school drill team member, and on to my college dance career at both Dixie State and Utah Valley University, I have been exposed to hundreds of thousands of people.
Competing at nationals in Daytona Beach, Florida, with the nationally-ranked UVU college dance team gave me new perspective on the meaning of experiencing an "adrenaline rush"…. Eighty-something degrees with the sun in your eyes, sweating in a long-sleeved black bodysuit, trying to remember everything that has been drilled into your head; all while performing in front of a thousand cheering fans, hundreds of competitors backstage, hopeful coaches and family members, glaring judges, and not mention, the television cameras…Talk to me about performing under pressure.
Scary, much? You get used to it.
Or, so I thought….
It has been said that those who can't do, teach.
I have taught at Dance Central in Springville for two years now. Through teaching, I have strived to maintain the dance technique I have gained over the past twenty years. I am not nearly as flexible, strong, or skilled as I once was, but I consider myself decent. All in all, the little dancers think I'm pretty cool, and that's all that matters, right?
This past week, I had the chance to perform a solo at my studio's recital. I thought it would be a fun opportunity for the young dancers to see how passionate I am for what we do. I began choreographing the dance in November, and finally finished it just days before the performance. I was pretty confident, and I figured that the young dancers and hundreds of strangers in the audience wouldn't know whether I was actually good or not…haha. Then, I did a brave thing. I invited people. People whose opinions I really care about. People that have heard me talk all about dance, but have never seen me in action. For years I had talked the talk, but now it was time to walk the walk...
[just a few of the fans. mimi, christina, & harper.]
Just before the recital began, the nerves came. I thought that performing in front of faceless crowds hundreds of times in the past had conditioned the nerves right out of me… No, not a chance.After wishing "good luck" to my dancers, I stepped between the curtains and said a secret prayer backstage. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Then, I walked out to my spot on the stage.
I hung in my bent-over pose for what felt like an eternity in the darkness… Just when I started to shake with anticipation, the music finally started. And off I went. I heard my name a couple times, cheering, and a few gasps during an arial. The music, the lighting, the moment; it was as magical as I had remembered it. And before I could even catch my breath, it ended, and I was walking off stage.
This performance was a huge moment of self-realization. I realized that fear never truly disappears. But by facing it head-on, I believe that we learn how to deal with our fears in ways that seem to diminish their influence on us. We do not overcome our fears by forgetting about them, but by facing them over and over again throughout life. We can never be fearless. Initially, we can't choose to not be afraid of something. But by "practicing" the fear, we gain power, and its effect on us seems to fade.To be quite honest, I felt like I slacked this week. I did not plan on this dance performance being my fear of the week…or even being a fear on my list at all. But looking back, the intense nerves I felt before I walked on stage could not be beat.
There is nothing better than witnessing the moment of transformation as my dancers experience the magic of performing. I feel that this is the greatest reward of my twenty years of dance training. I feel so lucky to have been placed in this position, where I can help empower these girls to overcome their fears -- whether it's on stage or in life. I love my job.
Thank you to all the people who have supported me in my fearful journey. Together we can be brave!
Till next week…
-Courtney
Pictures captured by Devin Sears.
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