con·fron·ta·tion
ˌkänfrənˈtāSHən/
noun
- 1.a meeting of persons face to face.
I am a conflict-avoidant person. Always have been.
On most days, I would give anything to escape a confrontational situation, and many times I succeed. But this experience was forced upon me, and I have now realized that it was probably better that way…
There I was, sitting at a bench on campus, frantically finishing up a big paper before its deadline. I was consumed in my work when suddenly, I felt a tap on the shoulder. I looked up, and my stomach nearly dropped out of my body.
My ex.
Every girl wants to make a good impression, especially when it comes to the first "run in" with the last boy she dated. We imagine the situation: walking across campus all gussied up, strutting in slow motion, wind blowing through the hair… killin' it.
Well, psh. Naturally, that was the day I had slept in, wore a puffy jacket, and put my wet hair in a braid. I was fresh to death. Needless to say, this was not what I had imagined. But, I was forced to work with it, and so I did.
In that first moment, I was absolutely tongue-tied. It had been months, and I had not yet planned a monologue of how wonderful my life had been since the break up. All at once, I had so much to say, and yet nothing to say at all. I was interested to hear about his life and all that had happened over the past few months, but was afraid of seeming too interested... So I let him do the talking. It was a courteous and quaint conversation, and I left bursting with confidence. I had no regrets…and then I realized... My fear of seeming too interested and desperate had given me a false air of pride and negativity. I was so caught off-guard and worried about how he would perceive me that I did not portray my best self. The confidence backfired!
Score. Ex: 1, Courtney: 0.
But this experience was not the fear - no, no, no. How could I justify this as a fear if I had not made the effort? Well, a few weeks later I was given another chance. While on my way home from school, I saw him from a distance, walking in my direction. At that moment I had a profound revelation: Courtney, the past is in the past. What happened between us does not define me now. There is no need to overly impress or prove myself to anyone for the sake of revenge. With this, I knew that I had two choices: 1) take a different route and avoid him completely (dramatic), or 2) face him straight on with genuine happiness. With crazy butterflies in my tummy, I chose to confront the fear this time.
I offered him a warm greeting, and instantly I could see the shock in his face. We exchanged polite small talk, and I walked away beaming. Phew. Finally, I felt that I had redeemed myself. Finally, my new confidence was not based on the potential thoughts of others, but on my own personal contentment.
Slowly but surely, I am learning the biggest secret to a happy life: do not worry about what others think. I often trap myself within the confinement of my own thoughts. My mind is a prison, and at times it can place my entire life on lockdown. No more! The fear of confrontation is still very real, but I'm trying. And sometimes, even the smallest steps are the most significant. The past is in the past, and every day is a new chance to confront our fears - big or small!
I love this quote.
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
All is well and the universe is at peace.
Thanks for following, stay tuned for more fearful confessions…
-Courtney
*side note: this fear experience happened a few weeks ago - finally caught up just now and published it.
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