Amae (甘え) :
"A Japanese concept/word that is used to describe people’s behavior when you desire to be loved, you desire someone to take care of you, when you want unconsciously to be depending on another person with a certain meaning of submission."
This semester I am enrolled in a marriage prep class at Brigham Young University (typical?), and I am constantly learning new things about myself and about relationships. Amae is a Japanese concept, defined as the need to belong, to feel loved, and to depend on someone. I have never considered myself a dependent type of person; on the contrary, I have always taken pride in my independence. However, relationships tend to bring out this "amae" in me, in a sense that I need emotional validation from others.
And this scares me to death.
Over the past few months I had been battling with this internal struggle of amae, while trying to work through the stages of a relationship. The relationship began in January, and it immediately took off... I was confident, I saw a direction, and I felt wanted. We worked well together, we had a lot in common, and I thought our personalities balanced out. However, the excitement of a new relationship tends to blind us of potential red-flag realities; and the only way we can be awakened is by the strong withdrawl of amae. Needless to say, there came a point in the relationship where I felt that my desire to be loved was no longer being met. I started to panic as I reassessed: did I want the relationship, or did I want the idea of the relationship?
After what seemed like an eternity of pondering this question, I had a very "inspired" lesson in marriage prep. At the end of class, I decided to ask my professor for some wise counsel. I have built a very strong connection with Dr. Carroll and highly respect his opinion. After discussing and assessing my situation, his answer was unexpected. Simply put, he told me that the relationship may not be worth pursuing if there is not humility and desire from both ends. Ouch. Dr. Carroll counseled me to bring up the conversation to confront my emotions, and to depend my decision on the reactions of our conversation.
I think I knew my answer all along. I just refused to admit it.
Through my re-evaluation, I remembered my feelings of hesitation from the very beginning. My head and my heart were in war. I wanted so badly to make it work, wanted to make the best of it, and wanted to deny my doubts. But my confusion boiled up to the point where I was being emotionally drained; this was breaking me down more than it was building me up. I was past the point of feeling anything. And to my surprise, it was liberating.
When I began to develop relationship numbness, I figured it was time to confront this fear: the fear of admitting my neediness. I had nothing else to lose. So, I cooked a delicious dinner and invited him over. And I made dang sure I looked good! As we sat in the company of small-talk, the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles came on… Coincidence? With a moment of silence between us, I seized the moment, and bravely brought up the conversation.
After I explained my thoughts and feelings, and my thoughts about my feelings, and my feelings about my thoughts...etc… We came to the conclusion that we would both be better off without the pressure of the relationship.
I am not one to give up so easily on something that I have put my time, energy, and emotions into. But I felt trapped by my lack of amae, and I had become paralyzed. Now, please don't get me wrong. He was good to me, he treated me right, and he made me feel important. But underneath it all, something was missing... And even after talking it all out, I am still unsure of what that was. But through this experience, I was reminded of a very important life lesson: I am only human! And because I am only human, I have a heart, and I have needs. And I (and him, and you, and everyone) deserve to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to let those needs be heard, without the fear of judgment or of being labeled as "one of those desperate girls".
And hey, guess what else:
Just because you have needs, it doesn't mean that you are needy.
Don't shake yourself free from dependence; make yourself free to be dependent. It's time to be real. We all need love. We all need to feel like we belong. We are all vulernable, and we all need each other. But amae begins with me, and with you. We have to find that love and belonging within ourselves, rather than seeking it out from others. Do not make the mistake of letting your innate amae become your weakness… Embrace it. Value it. Make it your strongest asset. Let the power of love and belonging grow within you, and spread the spirit of amae by letting others feel that they belong, too.
Well, I conquered this fear with more gusto than I ever thought existed within me. I initiated an emotional conversation, I initiated a break up! And I feel free as a bird! I almost forgot how great this self-love feels!
Thank you for supporting me, and thank you for being patient for this post. It's been a long time coming!
Until next week….
-Court
xoxo
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