Fear # 8: Presenting Research.

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. -Socrates

Is there such thing as a fear of being ridiculed by smart people? Being surrounded by student geniuses and skeptical scholars is not my ideal school setting. During my last two semesters at BYU, I have been working on a mentored research project with my professor. The project, in a nutshell: (You may want to skip this part)… My research focused on children with diabetes, their individual child characteristics (externalizing behaviors, diabetes management, and years since diagnosis), and how they are predictive of authoritative and authoritarian parenting. We ran descriptives, correlations, and multiple regression analyses, and found that child characteristics are significantly predictive of their parents' parenting style. Results found that children who manage their diabetes successfully predict having mothers with an authoritative parenting style; children who express externalizing behaviors predict having parents with an authoritarian parenting style. (I was serious about skipping that part.)

You think that's a mouthful? Clearly - the statistics, theories, and methodologies have been way over my head. But the most intimidating part of this research project?  
Presenting my findings.

My mentor encouraged (ahem, forced) me to sign up to present at three research conferences. Presenting statistics and theories that I can barely wrap my head around in front of hundreds of professors, researchers, therapists, psychologists, and other professionals in the field of family studies…. Not to mention, answering any questions or critiques they may have about my work?

So far, this would be my biggest fear yet. 

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. -Oscar Wilde

Naturally, I was last on the list of presenters. Perfect! That would give me time to build up anticipating what a nervous wreck I would be! When I began this research six months ago, I could just visualize how my presentation would go… I walk up to the podium: heart racing, palms sweating, hands shaking, throat closing, breath shallow, face quivering, eyes watering, mind freezing… and then, I die. No. No. No! 
It was time to take matters into my own hands. Through this past week of preparation, something changed. Rather than visualizing a complete crash-and-burn situation, I pictured a standing ovation. I told myself that I have worked too long and too hard to choke. I studied and rehearsed for hours on end to gain confidence in my work (and I'm pretty sure my roommates think I have been talking to myself for the past week). I was ready. I was confident. And although I wasn't even close to being the smartest person in the room, I faked it.

Utah Council of Family Relations Research Conference

Hundreds of students and professors viewed my presentation. In my mind, this is what it felt like - imagine this... Hundreds of critical, skeptical, questioning faces staring at you… Belittling the research validity of your "Mormon-biased" study, being from Brigham Young University… Waiting for you to crack under pressure. 
Well, to my surprise, I held my own. With each question asked, I grew stronger. My study wasn't quite ground-breaking, and I was way out of my league compared to the intelligence levels of other students. But slowly, I gained more conviction of the importance of my research. I was humbled while realizing that wherever you go, there will always be someone better than you. Someone prettier, someone smarter, someone kinder, someone braver. But that does not mean that what you have is of little value. 

Speak the truth, 

even if your voice shakes.

I dare you to. Speak what you know is true! This highly-intelligent environment has pushed me further than I ever imagined possible. Social comparison seemed to be the root of this week's fear, but I realized that intelligence is not competing to be "more right" than the person next to you. Intelligence is being able to accept the truth, speak the truth, and live the truth.

This week, live your truth! Thanks for reading. P.S., Did you know that 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot? Yeah, how 'bout that… #gocougs

Until next week,
-Court