Fear # 12: Night Out - With Me, Myself, and I.

Women are socialized to use the buddy system. 
Shopping buddy. Driving buddy. Bathroom buddy. Night-in buddy. Night-out buddy. Stuff-your-face-with-junk-food-when-your-buddy-goes-through-a-breakup buddy. Women that buddy together, stay together. So, what is the drive behind this constant need for a wing-woman? It all comes down to one word: monophobia.

Monophobia (n.):  fear of being alone.

I never realized how greatly monophobia truly affected me. Blinded by my own pride, I always thought that I was different than the average woman: I am strong enough to stand on my own, I spend nights home alone without worry, and I often keep quality "me time" as a top priority. But being in public and facing a crowd alone? Social suicide. Just the thought of spending a night out on the town by myself brings me feelings of humiliation and intimidation. So, for this week's fear, I decided to turn my "girls night out" into a "girl (singular) night out".

Friday, May 16th, 6:00 pm. After a long day at work, and with all of my friends out of town, all I wanted to do was put on my PJ's and catch up on How I Met Your Mother. 
But with much hesitation, I got all dressed up for a night out on the town. 
(Side note: the best thing about spending a night out alone? You have no one to impress but yourself.)

Beautiful night for a me-date.

Fancy Dinner at Rocco's Tacos.

First on the agenda: dinner. I treated myself to Rocco's Tacos, the greatest food truck on Provo Center street. The moment I pulled up, I realized that this was ultimately the worst place I could have chosen to be alone. Center street is one of the trendiest date places in Provo on weekends - live bait for lovers. Couples, couples, couples, everywhere. Cool! It may have just been my paranoia, but I felt every person's eyes on me as I walked up to order my dinner. I'll tell you what, being alone never felt so awkward. I instantly took out my phone to ease the awkwardness, checking all of my feeds... texts, emails, Instagram, Facebook, Vine... After a few minutes of distraction I came back to earth, and decided to treat this night like I would a real date. No more phone, no more distractions, just... me. 

Movie ticket for one, please.

After I soaked in my singularity at dinner, I took myself to a movie. If having dinner with every couple in Provo isn't cool enough, try going to a romantic comedy without being surrounded by more lovebirds and groups of girlfriends. I sat on my own row. But literally, nobody sat on the same row as me. I'm sure people thought that I was saving seats, but the joke was on them when the movie started - I sprawled out over the entire row. And during the next two hours, I had no shame as I laughed, cried, and enjoyed my own company. It was awesome.
And then, at the end of the night, I walked myself to the door. No small talk on the way to my apartment, no goodnight hug or nervous first kiss. Just happy to be home. 

I must be honest, I felt wayyyy out of my element on this me-date. It wasn't natural! I cannot remember the last time I spent a night out by myself, and my monophobia definitely made its presence known. Through this fearful social experience, I learned that being alone is not pitiful, it is powerful. 

If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company. 

Jean-Paul Sartre

Had to LOL when this song started playing during my me-date.

I now have absolute admiration for those who constantly spend time alone; for those who are able to remain in their own thoughts without going insane. In this aspect, I realized that I am not as strong as I thought I was. While by myself, my thoughts take me over completely. I now understand that it takes serious confidence to stand alone in a crowd, and I would like to further push this fear to its limit!

So, what will you do this week to get to know yourself better? How will you learn to stand alone with confidence? Thanks for reading, until next fear...

-Court