Fear #39: A True Fast Sunday.

As a born-and-raised member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I tend to be a bit lax when it comes to the small but great things of the gospel. One that I take for granted each month is fasting. When I was eight years old, after my baptism into the gospel, I remember my very first "Fast Sunday". My parents told me now that I was old enough to be a member of the church, I was privileged to choose to fast the first Sunday of every month, along with the rest of the church members. Privileged? After I found out that "fasting" meant no food or water for two meals, I didn't seem to feel privileged at all. From that first fast Sunday on, I was reminded over and over of that decision I had made when my mother would call into the kitchen, "Remember, it's fast Sunday!", as soon as I poured milk into my cereal.

As a young church member, fasting was a huge difficulty for me. Sometimes during the three-hour block of church, I felt as if my body was going into starvation mode. I began to find ways to push through the miserable day of two meals without food:
- Eating a huge feast right before midnight.
- Taking vitamins or medicine I absolutely "needed" with four glasses of water.
- Stealing a handful of bread pieces and a few cups of water from the sacrament tray.
- Sneaking in a few cheerios I would find on the floor in sacrament meeting.
- Coughing when my stomach would begin to grumble with hunger, hiding my weakness for food.
- Eating 15 mints, or swallowing ten pieces of gum to give my stomach some form of substance.
- Convincing myself that I was feeling "faint" and my blood sugar was dangerously low, or finding other ways to justify breaking my fast early.

Justification. I have now realized that sometimes this is all that holds us back; blurring the line between what we think we want in life, and what we really need in life. This fast Sunday, I decided to start the new year off right. I decided to forget justification, forget what my stomach says when it growls at me, and to forget what I thought I wanted in the moment.

I decided to do a TRUE fast. A full twenty-four hours, no food or water, with a spiritual purpose in my mind and heart.

Now, mind you that this is not a "fear" of mine, per say. I do not have the fear of dying because I miss a few meals. But while writing down my 52 fears, I wanted a list of things that better me as a person.
I felt that there is no better way to begin my Year of Fear than with a personal spiritual experience; something I believe so strongly in. So, with a prayer in my heart and a goal in my mind, I began the true fast.

The Last Supper.
Obviously, I wanted to start the 24 hours off with a good meal… So off to Cafe Rio I went. The meal was fantastic - Yes, I ate every last bite. I downed that salad like I would never eat a meal again (because at that point I wasn't sure if I would survive to eat again). It was a beautiful moment.

[cafe rio: the 'last supper']

And then, a pound of food and five glasses of water later, my fast began at 4 o'clock that afternoon. That night, I decided to visit some friends. I didn't realize that I had arrived at dinner time. Because I had just eaten, and it was early in the evening, it wasn't a big deal. But later on in the night, the cravings came. In a few moments of weakness, I almost gave up my fast. I figured I could find another fear to conquer quickly for the week, and take out the fasting fear altogether. JUSTIFICATION! No.
I persevered, and as the hunger left my mind, I am grateful that I pressed forward. This true fast was the easiest I could have conquered for my first of fifty-two fears.

My stomach did not grumble once during church. That was a miracle in itself! As we walked in a few minutes late, my roommates and I were forced to sit in the front of the congregation. Not a bad thing, until I realized again that it was fast Sunday…which meant it was testimony meeting, a time for church members to bear witness of the gospel in front of the entire congregation. My palms instantly started to sweat when I noticed that I was sitting next to the aisle: easy access for me to get up and bear my testimony. The opportunity was just too perfect. Oh, how lovely.

[my sweaty palms in testimony meeting]

Bonus.
Let me just say, I am not a public speaker.
But I knew I had to get up there. This is my Year of Fear, for crying out loud! So, I made a promise to myself that I would bear my testimony. Speaker after speaker, I would glance at my watch, hoping that time would go by faster, praying that God would get me out of this uncomfortable situation. Just then, my roommate Mimi walked towards the stand. She bore the most beautiful and confident testimony I had ever heard. As she sat down again, my other roommate Christina whispered, "I feel like a proud parent right now." With that inspiration, it hit me. It was time. I whispered back to Christina, "I hope you feel that way again, mom!" I stood up and walked to the stand with a smile on my face.

My smile faded as I looked out to the audience, to a crowd full of blurry people. So glad I couldn't really see everyone's eyes staring at me. I immediately starting shaking. My hands, my face, my entire body. My words did not come out as smoothly as I had pictured just moments ago. The entire 40-second experience was….not graceful. But as I sat down in embarrassment, all I could tell myself was, "It's over. Who cares. The only person I need to impress is God anyways."
And with that, I conquered a bonus fear, the even greater fear…
Bearing my testimony.

[had to tell someone about the fear i conquered…thanks mom.]

What a beautiful Sunday it has been. I feel that through these uncomfortable experiences, I have finally found my confidence again. I have grown. My testimony of my faith may be short and sweet, and I may not be able to deliver it with eloquence, but it is real. I'm so grateful that I was able to endure my true fast and take on one of my biggest fears of public speaking in a moment's notice. What an amazing start to my Year of Fear.
1 (plus 1) down, 51 to go. Bring it on, fears.

-C